Saturday, November 21, 2009

Hmmm have no fear i am still here!

Hello faithful friends and followers of this blog i have not forgotten about you and in fact i have some things to write today! I know you probably all thought that i died from the swine flu or from some disease that developed from a third world country but i am hoping to put a stop to these rumors now. I have a tale to tell you that truly occurred to me the other day.

Once upon a time i was drafted in the 13th round of the Provo City League draft to the proud "Dish One" team! It was a great day for my family and i and although their is no guaranteed money my rookie year (or ever for that matter) I hope that i can play well enough to get into a Spanish Developmental league or something where i could make minimum wage! I know that i have lofty goals but hey what i am a dreamer.

The season debut came at Centennial Middle School in front of a capacity crowd of 4 people and 1 was i nervous. My nerves soon gave way to basketball instinct however as i slipped on the ice rink we were playing on back and forth through the first half. I finished as my teams leading scorer with 6 points or something like that. The juices were flowing now and everything was looking towards a bright career in untalented basketball leagues throughout the world! I am pretty sure that is how Greg Ostertag and Chris Kaman got there starts and look at them now!!! Need i say more?

Early in the third quarter disaster struck! I was running a loose ball down on the baseline and like a large predatory cat i leaped to save the basketball...It was beautiful and then everything went dark! I woke up a couple minutes later surrounded by people...apparently i had run myself into the brick wall on the baseline and knocked myself out! Everything was fuzzy and i was really loopy for the rest of the evening! A few days, six stitches and a black eye later i am here to tell you that i am okay and have realized my dreams of being an underground basketball pro have fallen short...much like other childhood dreams i have being a cop, being an NFL star, winning the Tour De France and being able to tap dance! I just am writing to let my fans know of my retirement from the Provo City League...It will be another five years before i can be drafted into the PCL Hall of Fame where i may join greats like...Ostertag, Shawn Bradley, Ronnie Price, Brett Kocherhans and Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg).

Saturday, August 15, 2009


Well brothers and sisters of the blog i just wanted to report to you one of the funnest and yet dumbest dates i have ever been a part of....I call it muggle Quidditch!!! Yeah that is what i wrote...Quidditch! A sport that seperates men and women from boys and girls. Stars of the pitch hit the field with brooms between there legs this past week!

IT was a overcast and cool evening when the teams from Gryffindor and Slytherin hit the BYU intermural field. This would be a clash of the titans....let us introduce the players...

For Slytherin from Bingham High School we had both Brian and Mallory...From Snow Canyon HIgh School Jordan and Lyndee...from Davis High we had Katie and finally from Timpanogus HIgh School Jeremy Jeffs.

For Gryffindor also from Bingham High School we had Kelsi Hansen who was accompanied by Brett Kocherhans from Timpanogus HIgh School. From Delta High we have Karylinne. From somewhere in the great state of Maine was Scott. Finally from Davis high we had Sammy and her date Steve who is from Fresno...

They had come from far and wide to compete here in Provo Utah! It was to be a battle remembered for the coming eons!

The match started slowly as both teams conserved energy...but the quiet was soon broken as karylinne nailed Jeremy Jeffs with a bludger right in the face...It was on like Donkey Kong!

Kelsi Hansen quickly showed why she was in the running for MVP of the AQL (American Quiditch League) as she promptly scored 3 goals all on fast breaks. she was just outrunning the feild and it became quickly apparent that Slytherin needed a defensive boost...enter Jordan Mulford and Brian Bourne aka the Bash Brothers...The Bash Brothers began controlling Kelsi and Brett's High powered attacks with counter attacks of bludgers.

While The Bash Brothers controlled Brett and Kelsi...Slytherins attacking trio of Jeremy, Mallory and Lyndee poured on some heat offensively. The score became tight.

HOwever the comeback was short lived as Gryffindor dug deep...Karylinne and Scott played some rough defense hitting Slytherin players with there brooms. In interview Scott Meile said, "It got rough out there and me and my girl just laid a beat down on those idiots..." When asked if Gryffindor played dirty Karylinne responded, "Do we play dirty...I guess if you call hitting peoples faces with brooms dirty than absolutely yes!"

While the team rivalry was obviously heated it pailed in comparison to the individual rivalry between Katie and Sammy. They both had played at DAvis High together. "YEah we played high school Quidditch together but that doesn't mean i like her...In fact i have hated sammy ever since i was a girl...she stole my polly pockets one afternoon while playing at my house." The rivalry was evident as Sammy and Katie gunned for only each other the whole game! It was crazy!

With 4 minutes left Jeremy scored 2 goals to pull Slytherine within 3 goals but the come back was to late as time ran out shortly thereafter! In the end it was Gryffindor who pulled out the victory!

All in all this battle of titans was one for the records!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

well today i simply had a great day of church! I went to my friend Tara Vawdry's farewell talk today! I looked up and saw a beautiful celestial was my cousin Cory, who has downs syndrome, behind her were my aunt and uncle and two of my cousins from southern California. I proceeded to run into many freinds! Friendships are the best things on the planet!

After this excursion i went to my parent's ward and dressed as Moroni for the primary! I was able to bear testimony of the Book of Mormon and of Moroni's promise. It was so fun!!! a
I than went home and ate dinner with my family still dressed as Moroni! i even helped cook some bacon...what a great day!!! Shibot Shilom!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

WEll i decided to take a gorgeous picture of myself so here you go! Eat your hearts out!

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Dear Readers,
I have some good news and some bad news! First of all i am glad that my last blog got as much attention as it did! I am glad to have a following! haha
Bad news is for some reason many missed the humor and actually thought i was serious! I am sorry to those who care so much as to be so bugged about that application blog. I thought that you all knew me better than that! haha basically it was all in jest except for the fact that i am 6'1" tall and do in fact weigh 175 lbs. hmmm well to clear things up i am very much not into finding girlfriends via application!!! well just so you know. cause i know some people are worried about that. As far as me as being arrogant i just might be!
Jordan Mulford

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Now accepting applications

Dear readers,
How are you all? I just wanted to officially put myself on the market with this Lovesick blog application! If your interested leave your name and number and the answers to the quick survey at the bottom of this blog in the comments section! haha If youre really interested you may bring cookies to my apartment to meet personally i really especially like Chocolate chip! yum.
Well to tell you all a little about myself i am 6'1" tall and I weigh 175 pounds! (lean mean loving machine) I have green brown eyes that even turn gold sometimes (can anyone say Edward Cowen?) I am athletic and i love to play any sport...I love to run and hike and hit up the lake! I enjoy good camping trips and doing ramdom things! I think i am pretty good looking but i guess that is debatable! (but honestly 95% of all females find me lucious) If i could be any icecream it would be Peanut Butter N' Chocolate from Baskin Robbins! I have had many sweet experiences and would love to tell you about them! I have even written a short novel entitled Guns and Taxes and Roses too! It is a goody!
I love going out on dates and i love making people happy and i love trying new things and i love just chilling and always being myself and if you dont like me than that is tough cause i am one in a million! I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ and if you have any questions i would love to try and answers those questions to the best of my ability! I went on an LDS mission to Wisconsin and when i gave my farewell talk i wore a cheese head hat! that just goes to show that i am a goof! I love laughing and laughing so please be funny and think i am funny!!! Actually Jerry Seinfeld voted me the funniest Mormon alive in 07 so ....
WEll let me ask you all a few questions:
1-How big is your dad and does he own a gun and if you answered yes to either of those question please explain his favorite fighting style and how good of a shot he is.
2-Do you or do you not kiss well? haha but seriously...If the answer is no would you be willing to go through basic training.
3-DO you have grieving past boyfriends seeking revenge or blood?
4-Who are you most like...Elaine from Seinfeld...Fibi from friends...Rachel from friends...PAm from the Office...Claire in the Cosby show...or Miss Piggy in any Muppet films
5-What is more fun? shopping or hiking
6-Weapon of choice? gun, knife, knitting needles, brass knuckles, or baseball bat and why? these questions can be very telling.
7-Are your nicknames names that deal with overly possesiveness or total aloofness for example have you ever been called "the clinger" or "the black widow"?
8-Do you enjoy the company of dancing elves?
9-Would you rather marry someone that is smoking hot but is not funny and compatable with you or marry someone ugly that is easy to talk to, smart, and compatable with you?
10-Tell me your opinion on female bathing suits?
Thanks for your time and effort i will get back to ya!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ouch Moments that Define us!

well hello friends and family and whoever else stumbles upon this blog!!! I have had the opportunity to think deeply about life and especially the hard times in life! I recently lost one of my dear friends and I feel inadequate to express how hard that was for me! See i am the type of guy that really loves easily and totally and when i lose those around me i take it very hard! I can honestly attest that it was one of the hardest trials that i have been through! Anyway this got me to thinking alot about hard things in life. I have come to the conclusion that these hard times and heart break times are crossroads in our lives! I looked back at some of the most heart wrenching and absolutely painful experiences that i have had in my life and i can absolutely say that these times have served as defining moments! We always here that theLord refines us and that the Lord molds us and i can honestly say that hard experiences have helped me to become who i need to be!
Every time we come to these hard times where we feel our hearts crack we can go one of two ways! We can either fly under the radar and give up or we really can apply ourselves to learning knew things, serving others, and coming to the Lord! I promise that the way to go is to commend ourselves to our Heavenly Father and let him make of us what he will! Those hurts in our hearts are just the Lord carving them out so that they can hold more love later!
In closing just remember the next time you hurt and feel like life will never be the same cherixh that experience and that hurt and let it work in you to become a better person! commend yourself to the Lord, go to the Temple, find peace in prayer and scrpture study, and be still and watch God design that beautiful tapestry He is making of your life!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Do you know what i did last summer?

Dear readers i remember a time when i was a lad in Santa Clara Utah getting out of the car with my mom and dad at the city park! Oh how wonderful was the sight of swing and slides in the summer sun! Ohhh parks were a big part of my young life. From t-ball to coach pitch to pitching machine and finally to pitching by extremely fast and innacurate older kids baseball all happened at the various parks that dotted the greater St. George area!
Can i just tell you that it never once occurred to me at any time that someone actually took care of these parks. It was an ahaha moment when i realized someone actually mowed that lawn and someone actually prunes those trees and someone actually cleans those bath....oh actually no one does that!
I am now 22 years old...I am 6'1" and very good looking...and i have taken a second job this summer taking care of parks for the city of Orem! Can you believe that! Because of this job or should i say North Korean torture i have realized the need to respet our parks...and i would like to convey to my readers the need to salute the park maintenance man!
Here is an ode to the ever heroic park maintanance man:
He wakes early in the morning and drives to his post...the same post at which he has been sentry day in and day out for fourty hours a week all summer long! He wonders, "what does the day hold for me?" He can only hope to have an easy day of mowing lawns and fixing sprinklers and weed wacking but he is not niave. He knows that behind every bathroom stall there is stench with a chance of unflushed toilets. Oh how he dreads picking up poo with shovels k9 and human fecal matter alike! Or maybe he will run into hygene products today!? This unsung hero never knows every stall is like a russian roulette with 5 bullets in the the 6 slot chamber! After bathrooms he knows he will clean up garbage. Loads and loads of garbage. Chances are likely that he will be drenched by rancid garbage juices leaking from not so secure bags! Oh the horror!
His mind wonders as he drives an empty state street! Maybe his mower will break again! Or a bird will attack him today! Maybe cute little demon children that can be called AGents of Evil will break things he just fixed today! eeek his mind is wondering now! he is veering in and out of lanes. He is truly lucky that he is a lone driver this morning! A cold sweat crosses his brow as he remembers! He hears and sees things in his sleep because he dreads his job so badly!
He arrives and readies himself to wrestle with firehoses, to pick up poo, to clean up vomit, to declog grains, to edge, to weed wack, to mow, to clean grills, to clean tables, to pick up refuse, to save baby birds and plop them into there nests to only become a target for there fodder when they are old, to take care of every parents kids, to remove graffitti, and of course to stand as a gaurdian at his post, the city Park!!!
Today we salute you Park Maintenance Man!!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

the apple of my eye!

So there is this girl (giggle giggle)...haha. She is an amazing person she really is! I have known her now for over a year and man we have had some great times! She is easily my best bud and we even dated for a bit. haha she is great! So I am going to now share ten Great moments since i have known her.
10-One time we went to state basketball together and watched my old school in action! On the way home i had her laughing so hard! it was great just laughing together.....and so on and so forth!
9-We went on a fancy date to Tepinyakis dressed in our nicest was fun we ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and pretended to be really rich although we definitely are not!
8-when she went to Ukraine for 5 months she and i emailed each other for the whole time and it was so fun to read up on each other! In fact i read them again just today and i realize how great and patient she has been with me!
7-haha we dressed as babies and went to a ward bowling party! we had bought footy pajamas!
6-WE used to work out together and one day while jogging we ran into a huge hail storm we were soaked!
5-On many occasions i have listened to her tell stories...i just like listening to her especially when she is really passionate about the story! talking to her was the best! i used to take her to class like all the time and we would just chat and that was super fun!
4-Haha coming in at number4 is obviously the time she cried because of me and i drove down to rain tree at 2 am and just heard her out and we talked!
3-Doing service together was always fun! we made valentimes for each other and went to the food bank together! I love when she is passionate about the Gospel and really important things. she has helped me be a better person for sure!
2-I sang "out of my league" and so on and so forth.
1-I took her on a date and tipped her over in the lake...we were tredding water for over an hour and I ruined her camera and lost her phone and we looked like two drowned rats!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hello one and all i just wanted to write a blog so you would all know that i am not dead! I am actually alive! Where you may have thought me to be at the bottom of Utah lake chained to a chair i am in fact just residing comfortably at my apartment in Provo Utah. I would love to tell you where that apartment is but due to the masses of fans i have, that have adoringly entitled themselves "the X Factor" i cannot reveal my secret lair for fear that i may be run over by a stampede of fans wanting autographs, pictures, or articles of my clothing!
BAck to the blog.. I just found out that there is such a thing as Sasquatch!!! Seriously i saw him with my own eyes while camping in Camus Utah the other weekend. I know what you are thinkin, "JOrdan drank to much of the 'fire water' again." In my defense i have never touched alcohol in my life...unless you count the condensation that comes off of a drunk persons breath...cause in that case i would qualify as an alcoholic as a missionary. Truly as far as drinking alcohol though i have never partaken and it has never been a temptation for me...though i have been offered the vile substance at times. Again i apologies! Scary as it may be,i was with two of my friends, namely Lindsey Jordan and Carly Cook, and we were talking about this big footed beast around the camp fire, and yes sasquatch qualifies as a beast (refer to earlier blog about beasts), more specifically we were talking about "a Goofy Movie" in which Sasquatch is shown doing disco like John Travolta! hahaha it is a funny scene and even funnier when you have Carly imitatiting Big Foot who was dancing disco in th flick. Anyway we were talking this scene up and watching Carly dance and laughing when i heard my stomach talk to me in stomach language, which actually is a lot like German. My gastro intestinal track said, "Jordan, it is getting a little like L.A. rushhour down in here, could you help us out?" When i heard this kind statement from my stomach a did what anyone would do...i ignored it. Well after watching Carly and now Lindsey dance like complete morons for some time my stomach must have been sick of the display cause it communicated again to me this time in it a much more aggresive dialect. It growled, " You idiot! You are asking for colon cancer! GO! Go! GO!" well this was enough for me and i grabbed the t.p. and booked it into the Camus wilderness......For fear of being discovered i trudged like Lewis and Clark across what seemed like the entire continent until i found the perfect spot and parden my french (palrle vou francais), assumed the position!?! It was in the dark wildernes while in the position that i saw them...gulp...two beady eyes staring at me from across the way in a bush! "Oh dear" i thought...."what could it be?" those eyes and my eyes stare at each other for over 10 minutes trying to figure each other out. Atleast it seemed that long. The eyes moved and seemed to raise! I soon realized whatever beast these eyes belonged was much bigger than i...this thing was standing up adn then i realized i had been staring at BIG FOOt...he had been crouching in the bush....needless to say i told my stomach in broken german that they could wait and i ran off! The END

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

THe DAting World

Listen to me! Listen to me! Why is dating so hard? Why can't I find the one? DO you ever ask yourself these questions? DO YOU? Be Honest. No one will know. Let me help where i can.
Believe it or not i have failed at dating once or twice or three times...okay it happens enough to keep me continually guessing and completely confused about girls! Which is a lot!
Let me give you 5 things that i have done that are not wise to do with that girl you asked out and want to take out we Go!
1-Just be yourself! Numero uno DO NOT TRY TO HARD! What i mean by that is don't try to the point where you are not yourself! You want her to like you for you after all and not the fake you....This really is huge.!
2-DO NOT read into texts too much! People are different...some people text a lot and some don't; some girls text flirty and some don't; some girls text you after a date and some don't. (although if they do text you after the date that is a good sign).  The point is that you cannot convey emotion sarcasm or anything like that over text so just don't read into texts too much.  My advice is take every text literally as to what it reads.
3-DO NOT overreact especially early in the dating! I know how you feel guys when you kind of start crushing on a girl after a date or two and than for one reason or another you get this idea in your head for whatever reason that something is wrong! What do we want to do? We want to know...My advice is relax remember that you do not want to overreact over something that probably is not even true.  Just learn to let it roll off of your back!
4-Remember that dating does not mean you are getting married! The point of dating is to build relationships and find things that you like in girls.  You WILL find your best friend whom you will want to marry but there is no reason that the others should not be friends.
5-Follow your GUT! If you think that she wants to cuddle or hold your hand and your GUT says go for it than do it! If you feel like your GUT is telling you to hold off than hold off! We are humans we need to bridal our feelings. It has been my discovery that 88.97% percent of the time your GUT is right! IF your GUT is wrong you can laugh about it later! hahaha Also keep in mind that when you kiss, hold hands, or cuddle when the time is right it will be 93 times more meaningful and enjoyable! 
Well spoken from a true girl amateur i hope it helps men! And to all those girls i have failed with at my own advice i sincerely apologize and want you to know that i am constantly living and learning!!!
Jordan Mulford this one is actually kind of serious!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Hello Hello i am so sorry that i have been gone!!! Let us talk of women!

Dear valiant readers,
I know that i have been gone for so long! I hope that you can forgive me for this heinous crime! However i have spent much of my time recently with friends and trying to pursue women!
Can i ask you all something? I need your feedback! I took a girl out the other night and i had a really good time with her and we laughed and played and frolicked all night okay so we did not really do that all but most of it! Needless to say it was fun barring that i was a little nervous and thus made a few awkward comments...oh well live and learn right. So finally it comes down to the post game date action and this is where i think things went badly. Post game dating action is not the action you are all thinking of you sickos! It is like the texting after and possibly hanging out again later that week! Hmm this is how it went down:
Text from me: Hey thanks for the date that was way fun!
Text from her: Oh it was way fun thankyou!
Text from me: You looked nice tonight!
Text from her: (no response)
Text from me: Are you still living..i want to marry you!
Text from her: (no response)
Text from me: Tomorrow maybe?!
Text from her: umm please never text me again!
Text from me: Uhh you love me!!! just admit it!
Text from her: YOu smell like tuna!
So i bet your with me when i say that she is a major jerk right!!! I mean i said nothing mean or offensive...all my texts were basically positive. right?
Dear women out there what am i doing wrong!!! I just am not sure how to deal with this rejection! i think that i might just bury my head in sand like an osterich!
Of course this is not even real at all hahaha urghh but i seriously hear comments like this all the time even from my own lips! they may not be as exaggerated or actually similar at all! but i will tell you that i have no idea what makes girls interested in certain boys and uninterested in others. I quote the immortal words of my friend Nick, "It all started when Eve was beguiled by the serpent...women are still being beguiled to day." what do i mean by this well let me tell you...girls always ignore and reject the nice guys that really care...and yet this is who girls claim to be looking for but in reality they are looking for some mysterious, rude, possibly tatooed man with a leather jacket that treats them like crap! Girls want men that they cannot have they are beguiled by these serpent like men! Guys you hear me you have all been through it! (cheers arise from the depths of the web).
Hmmm well girls please look at us more than once give us a chance we will try to be better at not being nerds we will even wear leather jackets if you want us to! We are all cool at least to some level! Another thing girls dont be afraid of RM's...contrary to common belief we dont all want to get married tomorrow..maybe the next day NOT...we are cool too...infact i was probably in High School the same time you all were and lets remember going on a mission is a good thing!
Jordan Mulford

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Listen it all started when my sister, who plays on the BYU Lacrosse team, invited me through the worldwide Facebook network to come to this fundraiser for Lacrosse. She invites me through Facebook cause she can't talk to me in person cause i cramp her style (that is what you get for being a nerd). Well you may be asking yourself questions like:"what is the big deal, so she asked you to a fundraiser?"or "why is this even something you are blogging about?" or "do i have something in my teeth or beard?" Well if you are asking these questions let me answer you now!
I don't have any idea if something is in your teeth, reader.... duh i can's see you through the computer! but yes you do have something in your beard...
I am blogging about this because when i received the invite i had an image pop into my brain!!! This image was of a giant walrus struggling to get it's blubbery butt off of a beach and into the water! Ladies and Gentlemen that is what skating is like for me!
Let me tell you how skating goes for me...first i put on these boots with wheels on the bottom whether they be skates or blades it doesn't matter.
Second, i stand at the precipice that separates the carpet and the rink. gulp! I stare at the slick hard floor that will inevitably mark my demise. Then my friends beckon me to come as they are doing triple axles, back flips, 1080's and even once i saw my roommate Brett Kocherhans do a one legged triple swim back aerial on the side....I kid you not. If i am a walrus than my friends are majestic dolphins.
Next i step onto the skating surface...whoa careful...i barely touch the floor and start to slide out of control, my arms flail and wave as if i am slapping at an unseen hornet attack or spiders web that has engulfed me.
Oh than i have the flashback!!!! duh duh duh...I was a kid and i went to ultimate skating with my friend Michael Brooks...he was out doing his dolphin thing and i was staring at the skating surface...finally i manned up and skated...and i went one time around the floor baby i was like an eagle zooming around the rink...okay i lied i was the idiot who is skating along and focusing hard on not falling and than oops, loses his balance and looks like Marv on "Home Alone" trying to regain his balance on icy steps outside of Kevin's house! Well when this happened to me i decided to head for cover at the wall on the side of the rink and bam!! i hit the wall at a really high velocity and injured myself in a way that is not appropriate to say in this blog!!! Needless to say i was hurting! True story.
Well after the flashback has scared me stiff less i shrink from the rink but than a little voice says, "you can be a dolphin too." So in a moment of insanity i shove off the wall into the middle of the skating mayhem. Now the voice is saying to me, "ha ha got you again you idiot...don't you know that 1 in every 5 inexperienced skaters die in the rink!"
Then i panic!
Than i get control and feel a surge of confidence!
Then bam! I hit the ground faster than a fat girl would hit a french fry!
Then I am a walrus on the ground rolling, sliding, crawling, reaching, and flailing for the edge of the skating ring! What makes it worse is all the dolphins are laughing and pointing at me with their snooty bottle like noses! I cry!
Now do you see reader!!! It was an insult for my sister to invite me!!! She wanted to see me Walrus it up! hmmphhh

Sunday, March 1, 2009

who are your friends and who is a beast?

Have you ever been out and about on the town in upper Manhattan or Billings Montana or anywhere and just wondered how much am i loved? I mean have you ever really wondered who your friends really are!? Well let me give you this stat from the Federal Bureau of Land and Beast Management...1 in every 4 of the people you come in contact with every day is a disguised beast in one way or another. What constitutes a beast you ask...well a beast is anything that can be considered unhuman but also has similar characteristics of a human....for example aliens are not human but they do have brains and they also have flying machines and most likely arms and do you see what i am saying? are you picking up what i am putting down? Another example is the Great White shark which is definitly not a human but it swims and it has a face so it can definitely be considered a real beast!!! So with the evidence before as clear as day let me tell you that you should be appropriate response to this new found knowledge would be to personally wet yourself or to pass out while screaming but if you are tough please continue to read because there are a few tell tale signs to look for...that is right i am telling you that there is a way to determine between friends and frauds!
Listen to me this is not a laughing matter beasts have been known to poison a spleen in 1.6 seconds which is .4 times faster than Gandolf himself!!! Yeah that is creepy crap!
So first thing to do to find out if you friend is a real live and messed up beast is to look deep into your friends eyes and look for that unfriendly flicker you often see in an evil persons eyes before they do something evil!
Second, google that friend to see if they have any sort of police record!
Third, I like the new Peter Pan movie! oh wait that does not apply, but i do believe in fairies!
Fourth, Look for clues with how they act...for example invite your friend to eat very rare steak! If he goes into a feeding frenzy and snarfs that steak violently you know he is a beast! Another clue is if you stumble upon your friend holding a limp antelope's juggular in his/her mouth. Possibly maybe he sleeps under beds or in closets! When he gets married and has kids there names are Bebop and Rocksteady and Shredder or Edward or Harry Potter or Clint Eastwood...
Beasts are gross and smelly and they are like Tyranosaurus Rex in that they horrible manners!
Some of my friends that i suspect of being BEASTS are Matt Harpring and Matt Crawford and Amos Oveson and also Karli Eppich and Brad Faber so beware!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

well hello dear readers how are you all today? If the answer is good than i am pleased,if the answer is not so great you need to go put shaving cream on your hand and than tickle yourself with an eagle feather!!!
WEll i must say that i have not had anything good to poke fun at for some time but now i think i have got it!!!! wahaha Have you ever seen your face...jokes jokes...really have you ever met anyone that is a pyro? Well let me tell you how scary these guys can be...i say guys because 98% of the time Pyros are of the male gender. Raise your hand if you have ever been at scout camp around the fire eating oatmeal or something and you noticed one boy scout exhibiting odd behavior...Such as pouring lighterfluid on the fire creating a stream of flame heading towards his own hand which is HOLDING A FLAMMABLE CONTAINER OF LIGHTER FLUID...the kid might as well be holding a proximity mine from the game Goldeneye for N64(those suckers are dangerous)!! Another common thing pyros do for excitement is to jump in and out of the camp fire to see if he can out quick the flames that are just licking there lips...Pyros often will try to light there own little fire right next to the regular fire just because they can...or they will make torches to carry around...if the pyro is really bad he will actually tie bullets together and throw those in the fire just to see if he can actually dodge death! Yeah that is a great idea Capernicus!
So for your own safety i wanna give you a few things to look for so that you can steer clear of these angels of death!
1-if you see a boy running around with hair spray and a lighter you may wanna hide in the nearest bomb shelter!
2-If you see a boy wearing a tan shirt with green shorts and a green sash with or without barf green and red socks i would not make friends with him cause chances are he has singed and scalded his fair share of people.
3-If a boy tells you he has saved all his money for the fourth of July..Run!
4-If his name is Jeb or Abe or Rev the chances are high that he is a pyro genetically.
Well there are a few tips for you...
So what if you get cornered by one of these people that have more furry in them than five actual Suns....?
1-Always have a bottle of water available...(there is nothing more scary to a Pyro than water...In fact statistics show that 9 out of every 11 Pyros are afraid of water! Another statistic recently published in READERS DIGEST hinted at new studies pointing to the fact that there has never been a shark descovered with Pyro tendencies)
2-DO not put hairspray in your hair or flammable gel on your dome if you sit in front of a boy with an ammo belt of lighters...this would not be wise.
3-Try to stay close to girls because chances are they are not a pyro and there is an even higher chance that they will never be interested in a pyro....because although Pyros are HOT they are not hot if you know what i mean?
SO what happens if one of these flame happy goofballs lights you on fire? Well than a couple options are before could jump in a lake, you could stop and drop and roll, or you could light the pyro on fire and both of you could burn to death together! well i hope i was of some help have a good day readers.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Have you ever really really really liked someone and yet been confused about whether you should feel the way you do?  I have and i can tell you that it is hard!  This girl was so unique and special...she was a brightness glowing through an ever dimming world!  I loved how she laughed and giggled.  I loved that she had a strong set of beliefs and wanted to have a family and children that shared those beliefs.  She was always fun to be with.  To kiss her was the best thing ever! When we served others together our friendship grew! I often thought about her and hung out with her. THis girl and i went through a lot of hard times and a lot of fun times!  Sometimes i could see her and i together and just being best friends, because that is what she was...MY BEST FRIEND.  
Our history was a complex one... some times it made me so mad or frustrated that i would do dumb things or say stupid stuff!  Other times she made me so so Happy!  I guess that is how relationships are sometimes though!  She often had a hard time expressing her feelings and that was hard but i am getting better! She is a great woman and will be forever i am sure...i wonder though if i should like her.  SHe is gorgeous and funny and i love the cute little things she does...they just strengthen my feelings for her.  For example when she gets mad or frustrated her face is so cute and it just makes me smile.  Or when she laughs and laughs and laughs with me...she just glows!  ANother time is when she digs deep and talks about her passions and things she loves...when she does that i fall for her all over again! But she cant talk that way about me! 
She left now...and she will be gone for sometimes we are still good friends and the other day we talked on the phone and just laughed and laughed like we used to.  I know she wants to come home and i think she needs to date other guys and she realizes that too.  In her quest she will realize what she wants and whoever it is i wish her luck!  i really do...cause love is care and i care that she does well and is happy and i know that i am not always the best at that.  I know that i even get jealous tinges but i know this; she needs her freedom to choose what she wants...she needs to taste more flavors of ice cream before she can choose a favorite!  And you know what i probably do too!!! 
In all this mumbo jumbo i am writing i believe this....If people are living right than whatever is supposed to happen will!  The Lord will see to it! 

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


The air was warm and moist as i retied my shoe. My fingers felt thick and sweaty as i tied the double knot slowly. My shoes really had not needed to be tied but i was tired and this was a way to rest without calling a timeout...besides i had two big free throws in front of me that would help determine the outcome of this game! Why not be fresh? Finally i stood and faced the basket; the ref threw me the ball. It was dry and perfect! I lined up my right foot with the nail on the free throw line. My mind wandered, and i realized that 95% of human beings and even basketball fans probably did not know that this nail existed. There it was dependable as the north star lined up perfectly with the basket. I set my left foot about half a foot behind and a shoulder width away from the other. I dribbled now three times and caught the ball. I lined up my fingers in the grooves they call felt like home. Two drops of my own sweat dropped on the balls surface and started to slowly drip down its side,"just like tears running down your cheeks when you cry i thought." With my finger pads on the ball I lifted it near my head; my right hand under the ball with my elbow forming a right angle. My left hand caressing the left side of the ball serving as a guide. "Now for the easy part," i thought..."just reach over the front of the rim and flick the wrist." The motion was fluid as it should be, seeing that i had shot the shot over 50,000 times. It was like art! The ball floated with perfect arch and back spin through the clanked over the front of the rim and fell in! "Shooters touch," I thought, "the next shot would not be so lucky. My mind and body adjusted...this one would touch nothing but the net!" I repeated the process almost flawlessly and my confidence was not in famine! As the ball floated through the air i thought of the circumstances, "down by two and now one. When this one went in we would be tied with the enemy. I am a hero." at that moment i saw the ball going long. "Oh no!" The ball hit the rim in back and than in front and then on one side and than it fell off and right into the hands of their center. The game was over and i had lost it for my boys. This time tears really were falling down my cheeks. HUMBLED.
HAAHAHAHAHAHA that is poetry in motion my friends!

Monday, February 16, 2009


Oh my dear friends you may be reading this on my blog or on my facebook account....but either way come and stay with me at!!! read and laugh or read and cry and than leave your comments below...I want to know how you feel and i want to read your opinions. They brighten my day like the sun brightens our small solar system! If you like you can even follow my blog; that would make me feel special!!! The blog is the cog that turns your world much like non-alcoholic egg nog. Please join me in the world of blogging and let us experience a whole new world together....A whole new world...a dazzling place i never knew...but when i am way up here its crystal clear that now I'm in a whole new blog world with you....I expect Sean, Brett, Cassidy, Kelsi, Emily and Emily, Tod and Todd, Matt and everyone else to come and experience this new and adventurous blogging world with me.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

EAT Your heart out Brett Kocherhans literally

Last night i had the wonderful opportunity to go to the stunning blockbuster hit...Twilight!!! Yes it was an action packed and classic tail of mortal and nonmortal love. Running deeper however were other hidden themes; such as control versus...well non-control, purpose of life, nazi propoganda, and even the doctor verses midwife debate! It was a great movie even at 2 in the morning. However as we left the theatre my roomate and i found ourselves scratching our heads and wondering what is really better Werewolves or Vampires.????
After much thought over the last 15 minutes i have decided that Vampires take the cake!!! I have many reasons for my conclusion that Vampires are the better monster.
1-Dracula...need i say more? If werewolves would they not also have some sort of named hero? No they don't...why because they are a pack of dumb mutts. Vampires have a heroic icon much like the Greeks had Herculies and Huns had Attila. This is a true sign of cultural and social advancement! Clearly Vampires are more advanced than their k9 counterparts!
2-Vampires are super hard to kill....i mean what are the chances of actually being stabbed in the heart with a stake...Well let me tell you what they are according to my research(which was extensive). The chances of being stabbed in the heart with a stake are exactly 1 in every 30090897!!!! yeah those are the facts, i didn't make them up. That means that you are more likely to have a mosquito fly in your nose and run into your cerebral cortex causing an immediate brain hemmorage and death. If i was a vampire i would like my chances.
3-Immortality is another reason why vampires are way sweeter! Vampirest literally can live forever. In fact just 3 months ago a vampire was discovered who predated cro magnan men by more than 400 years. That vampire is quite literally old. With this superior age comes a certain honing of monster skills, an added intelligence level, and Darwinistic like natural selection in which great traits are contnually passed down through the years!
4-Things in the movie also made a strong case in my mind for why vampires are superior to the dogs. They dont sleep, meaning they have more time to expand every aspect of their lives; They don't eat which means they are going to save a lot on rent and probably be able to live in nicer homes and in stabler communities. They can in fact be in the sun and not die (which was a major worrying point for me for some time). They drive sweet cars (i would like to see a monster with paws do that). They run fast. And apparently they are made to be attractive so as to lure people to them.
Well there you go four things that definitely show that Vampires are superior to Werewolves...
Really though just ask yourself when you feel alone in the dark and the moon is full..."What would be more scary right now, 'man's best friend' or a pale but beautriful individual with blood stained fangs waliking towards you saying 'i want to suck your blood?'"
In fact let me tell you what i would do if a Werewolf attacked me...first i would pat my legs and bend over calling, "here puppy"...then i would pull out a stick and throw it into the distance. The way i figure it that dog would probably just run off after the stick...Fetch is in it's DNA...and even if that didnt work i would just pull our a vienna sausage and as he stuffed his face i would simply walk away. I mean let's be honest this is baxically the same animal that chases its tail, slobbers on the carpet, pees on the floor, and licks itself!

If there are young children that read my blog please know that contrary to common beleif vampires and werewolves dont exist unless you are reading Goosebumps.

Friday, February 13, 2009


Hello to all those that will read this post! I want you all to know that i am a Mormon; or more correctly a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am proud of it! It is something that i really believe in so i hope that no one will judge me for my faith. It truly helps me be a better person.
I just wanted to add a little blurb to all those that dislike Mormons...please don't. I have been to many churches and i truly think that pretty much every faith is a positive one and i truly believe that 99.9% percent of faiths try to help people and do help people. I want all those that criticize the Mormon faith to realize that it is the same!! It is a good organization that tries to do what is right. It is one of the biggest helps in relief aid that there is! The Mormons were some of the first at the scene to help with Hurricane Katrina. They are there to aid in every natural disaster! There welfare program is one of the best that there is! The church has helped millions!
I am not trying to say that Mormons are the best or anything like that. I just want you to know that in the world today there are 1 billion Muslims, 1 billion Catholics, 13 million Jews, and there are 13 million Mormons. We are here and i find it sad that all my life i have seen my faith be attacked over and over again. I especially dislike when we are attacked by those that don't have very much knowledge of what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints actually teaches. My one plea is educate yourself about Mormons...and by educating yourself i don't mean go to as many anti-Mormon people as possible! Go to the source...find out what really is happening? If you have questions ask...some good websites to find information out at are and if you would like just post any questions you have in the comment box below and i will do my best to get you an honest and completely true answer!!
Thanks for listening.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Falcon Scouts

Have you ever been in a real jam where you just felt up against the wall and thought that there was no escape? Was that jam involving a group of crazed Eagle Scouts that surrounded you and started pushing you around and calling you "Tenderfoot"? Well like most American males between the ages of 18 and 26 who were not motivated enough, or just did not get their Eagle Scout award I had this happen to me twice this week!!! How about you girls who just did not have the opportunity to even get an Eagle?? For all of you that can empathize with me on this one i have something that will completely solve all your tan shirt, green shorted problems...It is called Falcon Scouts!! Yup that is right i said "Falcon Scouts"!!!
The next time you are walking down a dark alley in the middle of the night and you think that you here someone whispering, "Be Prepared" or you feel a cool dark neckerchief at the back of your neck or you see legs in green and red socks dart behind a dumpster. You just remember that you are a Falcon Scout....That is right you ARE a Falcon Scout!! You see the only actual requirement is to read this blog and than you are officially in!!! Trust me Falcon scouting is way awesome!!! As soon as you say that your are a Falcon, which is also a bird of prey like the Eagle but quicker, those Eagle Scouts will not mess with you! Trust me it happened to me a fortnight ago. Just as i was getting square knotted to a chair i remembered (thanks to my Falcon ring). I yelled, "hey please don't mess with me i am a full fledged Falcon scout" as the words passed through my oral orifice a look of panic spread across there faces and they ran. I definitely know that it was cause of what i said...others may argue that they ran due to the fact that someone through a pipe bomb down the alley towards us...luckily it was a dud but to the Eagle scouts i ask, "If you are so prepared why couldn't you diffuse a bomb, huh?"
AS you yell your allegiance they will quickly realize a few things: 1-they will recall that Eagles are not the only birds in the sky. 2- they will also realize that we are better. 3-finally they will realize that we are better. they will tuck there little feathery tails between there talons and fly away to there over sized nests!!!
What exactly do Falcon Scouts do? Well common Falcon Scout activities are Ganoeing(rocket propelled canoeing), whirling derbishing, and fighting Eagle Scouts in ruthless gang fights in alleys with tridents, and wearing our uniforms around!!
Well i also want you to know that at our annual party P Diddy and Notorious B.I.G. are going to be there and also a young man i simply know as Randy but you may know him as BOW WOW! So if you are a true Falcon Scout you are more then welcome to come...but if you are an Eagle Scout you can't because Diddy and Notorious were not Eagle scouts and well BOW WOW is not sure so there!
In closing if you feel in constant fear and you know that if you go outside you may find yourself over a well made flint and steel fire just remember what it would feel like to be apart of an elite organization of your own and call out with pride, " I am a FALCON!"

Contrary to common belief this is not a real organization....however it could be for a price!


Well my intramural team lost for the first team this season and it was rough...Oh dear!! I feel like we should have won...I mean we have enough talent but we just struggled to be on the same page all night. Haaha it is not like i helped; i definitely played like a hippopotomus with a turn glut muscle it was quite sad!!!
The worst thing that happened though was that i lost my temper even at my roomate who is like one of my best buds. Ughh i just was frustrated at myself and unjustly let that concern spill over to my teamates. Well this is a melancholy and not so great first blog; I am new to the craze!!!!
Well the lesson that i learned, yet again, is the fact that i need to be more humble...and basketball is not that big of a deal!
On a brighter note lately i have been addicted to the tv show heroes and man when i say addicted i mean like a moth to the flame! IT is good and i am sure others can relate!
WEll it has been fun; the blogs willl get better!