Saturday, February 14, 2009

EAT Your heart out Brett Kocherhans literally

Last night i had the wonderful opportunity to go to the stunning blockbuster hit...Twilight!!! Yes it was an action packed and classic tail of mortal and nonmortal love. Running deeper however were other hidden themes; such as control versus...well non-control, purpose of life, nazi propoganda, and even the doctor verses midwife debate! It was a great movie even at 2 in the morning. However as we left the theatre my roomate and i found ourselves scratching our heads and wondering what is really better Werewolves or Vampires.????
After much thought over the last 15 minutes i have decided that Vampires take the cake!!! I have many reasons for my conclusion that Vampires are the better monster.
1-Dracula...need i say more? If werewolves would they not also have some sort of named hero? No they don't...why because they are a pack of dumb mutts. Vampires have a heroic icon much like the Greeks had Herculies and Huns had Attila. This is a true sign of cultural and social advancement! Clearly Vampires are more advanced than their k9 counterparts!
2-Vampires are super hard to kill....i mean what are the chances of actually being stabbed in the heart with a stake...Well let me tell you what they are according to my research(which was extensive). The chances of being stabbed in the heart with a stake are exactly 1 in every 30090897!!!! yeah those are the facts, i didn't make them up. That means that you are more likely to have a mosquito fly in your nose and run into your cerebral cortex causing an immediate brain hemmorage and death. If i was a vampire i would like my chances.
3-Immortality is another reason why vampires are way sweeter! Vampirest literally can live forever. In fact just 3 months ago a vampire was discovered who predated cro magnan men by more than 400 years. That vampire is quite literally old. With this superior age comes a certain honing of monster skills, an added intelligence level, and Darwinistic like natural selection in which great traits are contnually passed down through the years!
4-Things in the movie also made a strong case in my mind for why vampires are superior to the dogs. They dont sleep, meaning they have more time to expand every aspect of their lives; They don't eat which means they are going to save a lot on rent and probably be able to live in nicer homes and in stabler communities. They can in fact be in the sun and not die (which was a major worrying point for me for some time). They drive sweet cars (i would like to see a monster with paws do that). They run fast. And apparently they are made to be attractive so as to lure people to them.
Well there you go four things that definitely show that Vampires are superior to Werewolves...
Really though just ask yourself when you feel alone in the dark and the moon is full..."What would be more scary right now, 'man's best friend' or a pale but beautriful individual with blood stained fangs waliking towards you saying 'i want to suck your blood?'"
In fact let me tell you what i would do if a Werewolf attacked me...first i would pat my legs and bend over calling, "here puppy"...then i would pull out a stick and throw it into the distance. The way i figure it that dog would probably just run off after the stick...Fetch is in it's DNA...and even if that didnt work i would just pull our a vienna sausage and as he stuffed his face i would simply walk away. I mean let's be honest this is baxically the same animal that chases its tail, slobbers on the carpet, pees on the floor, and licks itself!

If there are young children that read my blog please know that contrary to common beleif vampires and werewolves dont exist unless you are reading Goosebumps.


  1. Welcome to the blogging world! You always make me laugh! very funny post...go Vampires

  2. O my Jordan.. After reading that I almost expect you to be wearing an I Heart Edward shirt next time I see you.