Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Listen it all started when my sister, who plays on the BYU Lacrosse team, invited me through the worldwide Facebook network to come to this fundraiser for Lacrosse. She invites me through Facebook cause she can't talk to me in person cause i cramp her style (that is what you get for being a nerd). Well you may be asking yourself questions like:"what is the big deal, so she asked you to a fundraiser?"or "why is this even something you are blogging about?" or "do i have something in my teeth or beard?" Well if you are asking these questions let me answer you now!
I don't have any idea if something is in your teeth, reader.... duh i can's see you through the computer! but yes you do have something in your beard...
I am blogging about this because when i received the invite i had an image pop into my brain!!! This image was of a giant walrus struggling to get it's blubbery butt off of a beach and into the water! Ladies and Gentlemen that is what skating is like for me!
Let me tell you how skating goes for me...first i put on these boots with wheels on the bottom whether they be skates or blades it doesn't matter.
Second, i stand at the precipice that separates the carpet and the rink. gulp! I stare at the slick hard floor that will inevitably mark my demise. Then my friends beckon me to come as they are doing triple axles, back flips, 1080's and even once i saw my roommate Brett Kocherhans do a one legged triple swim back aerial on the side....I kid you not. If i am a walrus than my friends are majestic dolphins.
Next i step onto the skating surface...whoa careful...i barely touch the floor and start to slide out of control, my arms flail and wave as if i am slapping at an unseen hornet attack or spiders web that has engulfed me.
Oh than i have the flashback!!!! duh duh duh...I was a kid and i went to ultimate skating with my friend Michael Brooks...he was out doing his dolphin thing and i was staring at the skating surface...finally i manned up and skated...and i went one time around the floor baby i was like an eagle zooming around the rink...okay i lied i was the idiot who is skating along and focusing hard on not falling and than oops, loses his balance and looks like Marv on "Home Alone" trying to regain his balance on icy steps outside of Kevin's house! Well when this happened to me i decided to head for cover at the wall on the side of the rink and bam!! i hit the wall at a really high velocity and injured myself in a way that is not appropriate to say in this blog!!! Needless to say i was hurting! True story.
Well after the flashback has scared me stiff less i shrink from the rink but than a little voice says, "you can be a dolphin too." So in a moment of insanity i shove off the wall into the middle of the skating mayhem. Now the voice is saying to me, "ha ha got you again you idiot...don't you know that 1 in every 5 inexperienced skaters die in the rink!"
Then i panic!
Than i get control and feel a surge of confidence!
Then bam! I hit the ground faster than a fat girl would hit a french fry!
Then I am a walrus on the ground rolling, sliding, crawling, reaching, and flailing for the edge of the skating ring! What makes it worse is all the dolphins are laughing and pointing at me with their snooty bottle like noses! I cry!
Now do you see reader!!! It was an insult for my sister to invite me!!! She wanted to see me Walrus it up! hmmphhh

Sunday, March 1, 2009

who are your friends and who is a beast?

Have you ever been out and about on the town in upper Manhattan or Billings Montana or anywhere and just wondered how much am i loved? I mean have you ever really wondered who your friends really are!? Well let me give you this stat from the Federal Bureau of Land and Beast Management...1 in every 4 of the people you come in contact with every day is a disguised beast in one way or another. What constitutes a beast you ask...well a beast is anything that can be considered unhuman but also has similar characteristics of a human....for example aliens are not human but they do have brains and they also have flying machines and most likely arms and do you see what i am saying? are you picking up what i am putting down? Another example is the Great White shark which is definitly not a human but it swims and it has a face so it can definitely be considered a real beast!!! So with the evidence before as clear as day let me tell you that you should be appropriate response to this new found knowledge would be to personally wet yourself or to pass out while screaming but if you are tough please continue to read because there are a few tell tale signs to look for...that is right i am telling you that there is a way to determine between friends and frauds!
Listen to me this is not a laughing matter beasts have been known to poison a spleen in 1.6 seconds which is .4 times faster than Gandolf himself!!! Yeah that is creepy crap!
So first thing to do to find out if you friend is a real live and messed up beast is to look deep into your friends eyes and look for that unfriendly flicker you often see in an evil persons eyes before they do something evil!
Second, google that friend to see if they have any sort of police record!
Third, I like the new Peter Pan movie! oh wait that does not apply, but i do believe in fairies!
Fourth, Look for clues with how they act...for example invite your friend to eat very rare steak! If he goes into a feeding frenzy and snarfs that steak violently you know he is a beast! Another clue is if you stumble upon your friend holding a limp antelope's juggular in his/her mouth. Possibly maybe he sleeps under beds or in closets! When he gets married and has kids there names are Bebop and Rocksteady and Shredder or Edward or Harry Potter or Clint Eastwood...
Beasts are gross and smelly and they are like Tyranosaurus Rex in that they horrible manners!
Some of my friends that i suspect of being BEASTS are Matt Harpring and Matt Crawford and Amos Oveson and also Karli Eppich and Brad Faber so beware!