Sunday, March 1, 2009

who are your friends and who is a beast?

Have you ever been out and about on the town in upper Manhattan or Billings Montana or anywhere and just wondered how much am i loved? I mean have you ever really wondered who your friends really are!? Well let me give you this stat from the Federal Bureau of Land and Beast Management...1 in every 4 of the people you come in contact with every day is a disguised beast in one way or another. What constitutes a beast you ask...well a beast is anything that can be considered unhuman but also has similar characteristics of a human....for example aliens are not human but they do have brains and they also have flying machines and most likely arms and do you see what i am saying? are you picking up what i am putting down? Another example is the Great White shark which is definitly not a human but it swims and it has a face so it can definitely be considered a real beast!!! So with the evidence before as clear as day let me tell you that you should be appropriate response to this new found knowledge would be to personally wet yourself or to pass out while screaming but if you are tough please continue to read because there are a few tell tale signs to look for...that is right i am telling you that there is a way to determine between friends and frauds!
Listen to me this is not a laughing matter beasts have been known to poison a spleen in 1.6 seconds which is .4 times faster than Gandolf himself!!! Yeah that is creepy crap!
So first thing to do to find out if you friend is a real live and messed up beast is to look deep into your friends eyes and look for that unfriendly flicker you often see in an evil persons eyes before they do something evil!
Second, google that friend to see if they have any sort of police record!
Third, I like the new Peter Pan movie! oh wait that does not apply, but i do believe in fairies!
Fourth, Look for clues with how they act...for example invite your friend to eat very rare steak! If he goes into a feeding frenzy and snarfs that steak violently you know he is a beast! Another clue is if you stumble upon your friend holding a limp antelope's juggular in his/her mouth. Possibly maybe he sleeps under beds or in closets! When he gets married and has kids there names are Bebop and Rocksteady and Shredder or Edward or Harry Potter or Clint Eastwood...
Beasts are gross and smelly and they are like Tyranosaurus Rex in that they horrible manners!
Some of my friends that i suspect of being BEASTS are Matt Harpring and Matt Crawford and Amos Oveson and also Karli Eppich and Brad Faber so beware!


  1. O thanks Jordan! Beastly am I? But does that mean that all of my friends are going to start serving me steak to really find out?

  2. it definitely could mean that Karli...remember how Justin calls you Snarley now? yeah there could be a reason

  3. hmm who is this anonymous person.. fess up!

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  5. Jordan this is Ashlee speaking on Karli's behalf, and I think you may be on to something. One thing I've noticed is she doesn't climb well, so it's convenient that I am on the top bunk so she can't sneak up on me in the middle of the night. Secondly, our fridge is filled with rare red meets, all containing the initials "KE" which had me baffled for a long time, but thanks to this post Jordy porgy I can see clearly.

  6. hmmmm i don't think my brad is a beast.

  7. Oh my gosh! That's why I saw Karli holding a limp antelope's jugular in her mouth! Karli, you... you... you're a FREAKS!!! (haha, remember? FREAKS?!)
    PS. I deleted the other two comments because I kept spelling Karli's name without the L. Sorry KarLi!!!